Sunday, 27 February 2011

SOLITUDE

Greetings Bloggers!

I was 22 when I left home to pursue a new life in Jhb. I had just been through a painful break up and my life was in need of a make-over. I had to board with family for a while until I found a place of my own. Little did I know what was in store for me.

Being a private person, and having spiritual beliefs that did not match my family’s there, living with them became very difficult for me. They shut down all talk about psychics, they were ignorant about my spiritual beliefs, did not understand why I believed in faeries and Goddesses, and said that psychics were evil people who worshipped the devil and dabbled in the occult. I was the ‘outcast’ in that home, they would try to change my beliefs constantly, brought home priests to cleanse the room I occupied, and sprinkled holy water on every little thing I touched. I felt worse than a criminal, having my own flesh and blood treat me like dirt. There were times I felt like I should pack my bags and move back home. But I knew I had moved up for a reason, and I was not going to let them dissuade my goals.

The torment got to such a serious stage that I was being completely ignored in that house, I stopped eating and at my worst, weighed 32kgs. If I was watching something on television they would rudely switch channels. If they were all in the pool, and I joined them for a swim, they all quickly got out. Even though I paid my board on time and I was the neatest person in that house, cleaning up after these people, they never appreciated me. Outings were arranged and I would never be told. I broke out in horrendous acne, and became a recluse. I could not understand how family could hurt me this way, they knew that I came from a very loving open-minded home, where us girls were encouraged to follow our own spiritual paths. They had promised my parents to look out for me, being in a new place and not having friends, but I felt completely betrayed. My mom came up to visit one weekend and insisted I leave, after seeing how these people were treating me. I packed my bags and went to live with another part of my family, people whom I never really knew, but who were kind enough to offer me accommodation. Living in my uncle’s home was a far cry from the previous family.

Here I was treated like a human being. My new family were uber-fabulous! They accepted me for who I was and honored for my beliefs. They made me feel like part of their family and spoilt me rotten with love. Even though things were wonderful and I was starting to feel safe, I made the decision to move into my own place, which I did so after just a month. I wanted to be on my own and was still shaken up by how the previous family had hurt me, I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone else and I needed to be alone.

When I moved into my cottage, I barely had enough money to buy furniture let alone entertainment, such as a television or radio. But I was so happy to be free, so happy to be on my own and not have anyone judge me. This was my place, my palace and mine.
I stocked up on loads of groceries, I remember having thirteen boxes of biscuits in my kitchen cupboard at a time. You have to remember I was very thin and needed to gain weight (well that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!). My home was really very quiet. In the evenings after work I had nothing but the sounds of my own breathing to listen to. At first it was scary, the silence was painful because I had to endure listening to my own thoughts. And some of those thoughts were not very nice, especially thinking about my unfolding journey in Jhb and the family that I had become estranged from. I spent many nights crying, feeling lonely, being scared in case someone broke in. But pretty soon, I started to love being alone.

I indulged in my passion for cooking and would make elaborate meals for myself after work. I borrowed mountains of books at a time from the library and would sit in my electric-warmed bed reading to my hearts content (with a packet of Doritos, hot chocolate and those coconut covered marshmallows on hand). Thereafter, sipping wine in my bubble bath, reading and sketching. My skin cleared up completely and I found myself feeling like a million dollars very quickly. I found new friends, people who saw the beauty in me and who accepted me for who I am. When my parents surprised me with a brand new television for my birthday, I was both ecstatic and sad! Ecstatic, because I would never have to miss my favourite show Survivor again, but sad because I had begun to truly love my solitude. I very often switched off my tv when I needed to shut out the world and just enjoy me-time.

There is such healing power and treasure in meaningful Solitude. Solitude allows us to listen to our inner voices. To figure out exactly what goes on inside our heads and what we keep replaying on our minds like a broken record. You come to a point when you start to realize that our minds can either be our best friends or our worst enemies. Even now, I steal time away from my family and even my boyfriend, because I need to ‘reconnect’ with my spirit. Shiraz understands this well, he knows that without me-time I become moody and he gladly gives me my solitude!

Try to have a little solitude regularly. You really do not need to be in the company of people all the time to feel safe or loved. Love yourself, give yourself some attention. Take yourself out to coffee, which is something I love doing often. Go to the movies alone, imagine being able to watch whatever you like instead of going along with your friend’s choices. Start a new hobby, find what makes your heart sing with joy. The only way you will know what you like and how you feel is by listening to your inner voice. Your inner self is like a compass steering you along the path that is perfect for you.
Don’t be concerned about what people may say seeing walking alone in a mall. Don’t assume people will think of you as lonely loser. As a matter of fact, people will assume the very opposite- that you are an independent person who loves his or her own company. Sometimes its necessary to be alone, find that treasure in your solitude and I promise you will feel as free as a bird.


Love and Light,
Your Resident Psychic & Spirit Medium,
Tennille*

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